TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for ancient culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be large. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally out of put. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, certain, let's have A further place exactly where American Males can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer Anyone a collection on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he really should stop employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You understand, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping types an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a element getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after acquiring the building's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not only unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Options


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where company might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. Trump Tower Damascus "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They can Come"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "in which's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting awareness from international buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will even contain:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where my PTSD can have flip-down services."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Feelings from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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